Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Randomize