shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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