Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
