im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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