the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
