So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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