You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
you never un-have a 4some
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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