You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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