i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
