mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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