Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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