Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
