My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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