You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
