There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I am available for nakedness
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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