I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
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