why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
