can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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