I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
