How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
