Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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