Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
