so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
