Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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