today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
