there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
