but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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