I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
