Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
