Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize