Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Everclear isn't food dammit
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
