you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
