Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
