The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
