So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
