Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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