So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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