You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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