You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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