is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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