Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
