Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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