His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
