Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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