Can i not drive my cunt home
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
