when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize