He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
