Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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