Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Houston, we have a blender
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
