Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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