I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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