I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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