I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize