I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize