Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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