Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
