I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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