You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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