The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
