I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
