Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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