We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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