I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
